


Cliché

by Jeanshard



Series: Youth is Wasted on the Young [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Teenage Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:46:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2453525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanshard/pseuds/Jeanshard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I am the worst kind of cliché.” Merlin whined. “Like, think of every stupid, annoying little archetype character who has ever gotten on your nerves for being too unrealistic- and I’m one of them. I’m a cautionary tale. I’m a vice to help encourage chastity!”</p><p>“Ooh, archetype. That’s a big word for a teen mum.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cliché

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm sadly proud of this fic??? Like it's half seven in the morning and I've been writing since 9 kind of proud
> 
> I hope you like it :) Please please please feel free to leave comments or kudos, they mean so much!!
> 
> This is an all nighter style so apologies for any mistakes (I have a concern about formatting but whateeeeevvvvsssss)

“I am the worst kind of cliché.” Merlin whined. “Like, think of every stupid, annoying little archetype character who has ever gotten on your nerves for being too unrealistic- and I’m one of them. I’m a cautionary tale. I’m a vice to help encourage chastity!”

“Ooh, archetype. That’s a big word for a teen mum.” Will smirked. Merlin chucked a pillow at his face. “Ouch. Can’t believe you’re getting hormonal already.”

“Oh my god, shut up. Please.”

“Can I be the God Father?”

“Shut up.”

“Oh my god, you’re actually going to have to buy a pram. And use it. And a bib! Mittens! Where will you even find mittens for a child? And will you get pink or blue?”

“I will actually end you.” Merlin shot back, sitting up to glare at his (soon to be former) best friend.

“Old ladies at bus stops are going to tell you that you’ve thrown your life away!” Will cackled, falling off Merlin’s bed and onto the floor. Merlin groaned, and dropped back flat onto the duvet. He smacked his hands to his face, letting out another moan. “Oh my God Merlin.” Will looked up at him then, faux seriousness plastered to his smarmy face. “You’ll have better boobs than Morgana.”

“Will. Please understand that, due to the fact I’m about to have another human entering my life, your loss would be very easy to accept.” Merlin did his best to glare down at Will, to sound furious and cold. However, the fact he was in food stained pyjamas and his hair resembled a young hedgehog may have spoilt the effect.

“You’re going to need someone to be your friend, Merlin. To take care of you and give up their social life and to help you sit up-”

“Oh you’re giving up you’re non- existent social life to help me carry bags? You’re just gagging for something to do.”

“Out of the two of us who was ‘gagging’ for wanting something…”

Merlin threw a heavy book at Will, hard enough that the sound slapped off the walls. It was probably a bit harsh, but Merlin had faced an emotional slap in the face and Will wasn’t taking it seriously.

“If you keep this up-” Will started, hand rubbing the splash of red on his face. “- you’ll be a young mother behind bars. What kind of cliché are you going to be then?”

Merlin was tempted to be angry at Will, but then Merlin had known Will couldn’t react like a normal person. He wouldn’t be nurturing and caring, he’d be the same as he always was. Merlin just wanted to cling to some, small form of normality. Just for a little bit, before his entire life fell through his hands in the form of a crying bundle of baby.

“Jesus, mate.” Will was lying on the floor now, arms stretched out and head resting on a pile of dirty clothes. “You’re going to have a kid.”

“Thank you, Will, I’d forgotten how the whole ‘pregnancy stilt’ ended.” Merlin sounded flippant, sarcastic. He was probably still in shock. Merlin hoped he would just stay nonchalant about it his whole life. ‘Yeah, I had a baby at sixteen. Pass the salt, please.’

“Shut up. I mean, how did you even… get pregnant?”

“You’ve seen enough porn to answer that question.”

“Yeah, right. It’s just, you’ve only done it the once, yeah? And you used… protection?”

“Jesus Will!” Merlin could feel his face flaming. He’d barely given any detail to Will about what having sex with Arthur was like. It was too… intimate to share with Will. Telling Will would feel like bragging. Not that Merlin wasn’t chuffed about it, though. Arthur was gorgeous, and he was funny and he made Merlin feel *more* and Merlin was proud to be with him. But the way it had felt when they’d had sex, it was theirs. It hadn’t been perfect, it had hurt and Arthur had gotten off first and Merlin felt like he’d done something wrong when he couldn’t quite… get there. But it had been good, in the end. It was theirs, it was private and intimate. Special.

Now it was a little bit more than that, though.

“Well, did you or not?” Will snapped, pushing himself up onto his elbows. “I’m not needing the sordid details of how glorious Arthur’s cock was, I just want to know that he was right to you, yeah?”

Merlin shoved his face into the pillow, letting out a muffled ‘yes’ from his crimson face.

“Condom and the pill?” Merlin shook his head in response. He’d been having bad reactions to any pills given to him. “Just the pill?” Will howled, but Merlin shook his head again. “Ok, right. So uh… just kept it wrapped?”

Merlin nodded.

“Jesus. Tough luck. Almost makes me glad I’ve only got myself for company.” Merlin heard will say, then felt him sit beside Merlin. “What’s Arthur said?”

Merlin just let out another moan.

“Have you not told him?” Merlin thought Will might have been electrocuted, from the speed he jumped off the bed. “Merlin!” Merlin curled further into his pillow, planning how to spend the rest of his life coiled in his duvet. “Stop, I can’t have a conversation with you if you’re inside that cocoon.”

Merlin peeled himself off the pillow, if just to make Will *shut up.*

“I know, Will.” Merlin tried to make himself calm down. “I’m not… I’m not that far along.” Before Will had the time to ask, Merlin answered: “Just six weeks. I didn’t know, I didn’t know until a week ago.”

He thought it was so odd, that something had been growing inside him. He wasn’t sure if he liked the idea that the creature, the baby, had been privately siphoning off Merlin’s life resources without Merlin knowing. Merlin was worried he might not have been eating right, or if he’d done something dangerous, or sleeping on his stomach. He hadn’t known that the… baby? Was it a baby? But he hadn’t even known it was there, he hadn’t known how to protect it.

“So you told me first?” Will sounded smug. He preened himself up, puffed his chest out, and looked like a chicken. “So you so prefer me to Pratdragon.”

“Yes, this entire pregnancy debacle will be entirely worth it, if only to prove that I’m less afraid of telling you about carrying someone else’s baby than telling that person they’re going to be a dad.”

“You’re going to have to tell him though, mate.” Will stated, and he sounded serious.

“Seriously? You don’t think I can just live out my normal life as a watermelon starts to pop out of my stomach? Do you think Arthur will get suspicious when I start taking a baby out on our dates?”

The genius of Merlin’s sarcasm must have been lost on Will, because he said back:

“I mean, you’re weirdly skinny. It’ll probably be obvious you’ve got a kid in there. And, whenever you and Arthur next do the dirty he might notice that you’ll have tits.”

“I think the tits are too big a focus in your mind here, Will.”

***

It wasn’t that the first time they’d had proper sex was the first time they’d done anything together. They’d messed around before, mostly just with hand jobs or the odd blow job. And, there had been one memorable (remarkable) occasion where Arthur had given Merlin a rim job.

But to celebrate Arthur’s getting into university, they’d both gone to London for the day, for a concert, and stayed in the hotel room at night (despite booking two). And it had felt *right.* Merlin had wanted to since he’d turned sixteen, but they’d waited.

Merlin knew he wasn’t Arthur’s first. Arthur was eighteen and he was gorgeous. Merlin hadn’t minded that he wasn’t Arthur’s first, even if he felt a little jealous or a little immature. He’d worried he wouldn’t be good enough, wouldn’t be Arthur’s best, that Arthur would be bored by how little Merlin knew about it all. About sex.

But Arthur loved him, Arthur wouldn’t mind. Even if it was the worst sex he’d ever had, they could try again. They could practice lots. 

And Merlin hoped that all of Arthur’s past… experience would make it better for thee two of them.

And now, Merlin had no idea how to approach Arthur and tell him what had happened. They hadn’t even discussed whether they would be able to stay together or not when Arthur went off to UNI. Merlin wanted to, desperately wanted to. He loved Arthur. They’d been together six months and Merlin loved him.

But maybe Arthur didn’t feel the same way. Merlin was terrified that Arthur wouldn’t want to keep up their childish little relationship. Merlin was worried he’d be holding Arthur back from having a life at UNI, from meeting people and doing things.

And now, Merlin was pregnant. That was a whole other complication that couldn’t be dealt with. How was Merlin expecting Arthur to react? He’d be shocked, would he be angry? Would he blame himself, blame Merlin? Would he want to break up? Would he want Merlin to go away with him or would he never want to see Merlin again?

Eventually, it got too much for Merlin. Considering the endless possibilities for the way Arthur would react was making him too nervous. He couldn’t cope with it all. It would be better to just *get* Arthur’s reaction. Then Merlin would know.

He could deal with it, whatever it was. If it was anger or excitement or reluctance or… anything. Merlin wasn’t even sure how he felt about it yet, either. He needed to know.

He sent Arthur a text, asking to meet up. A text was probably too informal, but Merlin didn’t think he could call Arthur without losing his train of thought. After getting an invitation to Arthur’s house, Merlin decided it was better to do it on Arthur’s home turf. He was giving Arthur comfort and control of the situation.

Merlin arrived at Arthur’s house and did his best not to shake, or not to be obvious about shaking. He knocked at the door, and like every other time he came here he thought of how ridiculous it was that Arthur had an old fashioned knocker, like Scrooge.

After waiting for a few minutes, Arthur opened the door with messy hair, a rumpled shirt and he was damp. He cocked a sorry smile at Merlin before pressing a kiss to his lips and dragging him in.

“No butler today?” Merlin teased, pulling himself from Arthur’s grasp. He could tell Arthur was frowning, and his hands fell from Merlin’s back. Merlin couldn’t let himself start kissing Arthur now, because that would lead to the kind of activity that gave Merlin the current boner killer he was dealing with.

“He’s been sent away for the day.” Arthur shrugged. He and Merlin started making their way upstairs, to Arthur’s room. “I figured you’d rather George wasn’t crouched outside the door ready to get a snack at a moment’s notice.”

“That means you’ve accepted snack duty.” Merlin teased, grabbing Arthur’s hand to squeeze it. Arthur turned back and gave Merlin a surprised grin, before he squeezed back. Merlin wanted that quick clutch, needed the confidence boost Arthur’s love always gave him. Merlin was terrified that they would change once Arthur knew. That the dynamic they shared would be soiled. That Arthur wouldn’t know how to deal with Merlin and be awkward with him.

Merlin forced himself to calm down, to breathe. Arthur loved him, he loved Arthur. They would change from this, yes, they’d have to grow up and renegotiate and work it out. But Arthur was always brave, always in control, and he would protect Merlin. Just like Merlin would protect him.

And Arthur had tonnes of life experience, at least more than Merlin did. Arthur had girlfriends and boyfriends and he’d spent time in different parts of the world when Merlin had never left the city. Arthur was mature and responsible, and Merlin trusted him with all his heart.

“After you.” Arthur opened the door with a bow. Merlin laughed, and let himself through. He stared around the room, the beige walls and the lightly cluttered floor, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Arthur would ever let a crib in here.

Merlin couldn’t let himself sit down, despite never having that problem before. He’d always felt comfortable in Arthur’s room, with Arthur before. But now, Merlin almost felt like an intruder, like he wasn’t allowed. He felt like he shouldn’t let himself be comfortable when he was keeping a secret from Arthur.

“What are you doing?” Arthur laughed. He’d flopped himself onto the bed and was looking up at Merlin through the ruffle of his hair. Merlin wanted to sit down, and kiss him. He wanted to sink his hands through Arthur’s hair and feel his lips against Merlin’s. Merlin wanted to feel his skin against Arthur’s, to line them up until they slotted together like they were designed for that one purpose. He wanted to be close to Arthur, to stop feeling like there was this wall he couldn’t knock down or climb over. He wanted to stop feeling nervous and awkward and worried he did something wrong. He wanted the release. “Merlin? Sit down here, you idiot, I don’t want to get a crick in my neck looking at you.”

“Right. Um, Arthur. It’s just.” Merlin shook his head. He felt his face go red. He ran his hands through his hair and he knew he was looking like a hedgehog. He was shaking. “So, here’s the thing. I just had something to say.”

“Uh, so did I.” Arthur laughed, and he rubbed a hand at his neck. Merlin let out a sharp sound, but then kept babbling on. And on. And on. He couldn’t stop himself, and then Arthur gave a short laugh and offered: “Would you like me to go first, babe?”

“Oh God yes please.”

“Okay then.” Arthur hopped up off the bed, and walked over to Merlin. He lifted him up, bridal style, before turning around again and dropping Merlin onto the bed with a bounce, and Merlin couldn’t help himself but smile. “Merlin Emrys.” Arthur dropped down beside Merlin on the bed, and Merlin could feel his heart racing. “World’s worst boyfriend and general light of my life.” Merlin never heard Arthur speak like this, serious and genuine. Arthur looked like the words were a secret part of him, a special part of him, and Merlin felt honoured that Arthur would share them. That Arthur could feel like that about him.

“I’m pregnant.” Merlin blurted, he couldn’t stop himself. Arthur was looking at Merlin like he loved him and he could love anything Merlin would do, would love everything they’d be. Arthur had been looking at Merlin like he could be with him forever, the rest of his life.

And then it snapped. 

Arthur went rigid, cold, he snatched his hands away from Merlin’s arms and put a distance between them right away.

‘Relax, relax, relax.’ Merlin chanted to himself. Arthur just needed a moment, a stretch of time to gather himself together, to collect his thoughts and breathe. It had taken Merlin days to accept the news, to even relax a fraction.

“What?” Arthur asked. His voice was cold, void. Ice shard, threatening to fall.

“I’m. I’m… pregnant.” Merlin whispered. He sounded frail, afraid even to his own ears. He wouldn’t let himself curl up, or hide away, he couldn’t let Arthur see that he was falling apart at the seams.

It was silent. Too silent, agonisingly quiet. Neither of them spoke, Merlin wasn’t even really breathing. Merlin’s heart was stabbing a vicious rhythm against his ribcage. 

“A-Arthur-”

“How the fuck can you be pregnant.” Arthur’s voice was still cold, and it seemed a little vicious now. Merlin closed his eyes. Arthur was just taking time, he was just going to need a little bit of time. “Merlin?”

“We had sex, Arthur.” Merlin whispered, and he cringed. He hadn’t felt ashamed by it, before, and he couldn’t stand it for Arthur to spoil that. “In London, we-”

“Fucked, yes yes Merlin I do remember!” Arthur snapped, and he shot off from the bed so quickly Merlin felt whiplash. “Once. One time, we used protection the one time we had sex.”

“I know, but-”

“So obviously, Merlin, seeing as we only had sex one time with protection, you obviously can’t be pregnant.”

“Well I am.” Merlin couldn’t help sound defensive, waspish.

“No, Merlin, you can’t be!”

“I clearly can!”

“You’ve clearly read the test fucking wrong, you idiot, because there’s no way in hell you’re pregnant.” Arthur screamed, and he spun round to stare at Merlin. He looked like a beast, eyes wide and fists curled and clenched. He vibrated with anger, tension.

“I’m not stupid, Arthur, I didn’t read it wrong and the Doctor said I was as well.” Merlin was doing his best to keep his voice soft, low, to calm Arthur down. 

It wasn’t working.

“You… You went to a Doctor?” Arthur howled. “You’ve known for that long! Did you mention my name? Are they going to…” Arthur shook his head, feet making massive bangs as he paced from side to side. “This can’t be right.”

Arthur not being happy about this was something Merlin had expected. But he didn’t think that Arthur would look at Merlin like he hated him. He never thought Arthur would be so… angry.

Then Arthur let out a shout, and Merlin flinched. He finally let himself curl in, a little, hiding away his vulnerability and making himself strong. He knew that it would just take Arthur a few more minutes, just a little longer and he’d calm down. Apologise, even, for acting like this. Arthur was always a bit of a drama queen, always a bit of a prat. He loved Merlin though, he’d calm down.

“That baby clearly isn’t mine.” Arthur spat, and he looked at Merlin like he was something vile.

Merlin was left speechless. He opened his mouth but a painful squeak was the only thing that could fall out. Arthur being angry made sense, Arthur being upset and shocked but… Saying it wasn’t his.

“What?”

“You can’t expect me to believe that whatever… baby you’re carrying is mine.”

“Who else’s would it be?”

“I don’t know who else you’ve been fucking.” Arthur’s voice became venomous, every move toxic, Arthur was making himself a poison. “You’re awfully friendly with Will. And you and Lance are always sneaking off. And, you know what, you and Gwaine flirt non-stop! Do you even know who the father is?”

Merlin thought he had. He thought that, without a shadow of a doubt, he knew who Arthur was. He thought Arthur was gentle, and kind, and Merlin thought that Arthur cared for him. He thought Arthur trusted him. He thought Arthur was kind and considerate.

Merlin yanked himself from the bed, face flaming hot and tear stained despite his best efforts, and he shoved his way past Arthur.

“Clearly, I didn’t know you that well at all.”

***

Will took one look at Merlin’s face and became a thunderstorm.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“Will!” Merlin shrieked, chasing after his friend who had already stomped far too far ahead. “Will, wait, please!”

Will had come round to Merlin’s house, because Merlin had skipped school. Only, it was only the time for second block so Will was being rather proactive about his friendship duties.

“Will!” Merlin shouted, but he was being ignored. “Please!”

Will made no turn, and Merlin dropped to the ground, feeling humiliated. He was sat in the street, tears falling down his face, pregnant with a dwindling future. He hated himself, for a few minutes, felt pathetic and useless and inadequate. He would never be able to be a father.

It wasn’t like he even had a good example to follow.

Merlin curled up into a ball, feeling the gravel graze along the skin of his legs through his pyjamas. His mum hadn’t even been suspicious when he’d wanted today off, he didn’t look well enough to brave anything that wasn’t a sleep or a glass of water.

Something warm clasped his shoulder and he almost jumped.

“Come on, Merlin.” Will whispered. He dragged Merlin off the floor and wormed a hand round his stomach to stop him from falling.

Merlin just leaned into him, more grateful than he’d ever been for anything. Because this was the first time he’d ever seen Merlin cool, calm, collected. It was the first time Will had pushed down all the anger inside him and had done something else with his emotions.

And Merlin had never been more grateful.

***

“Merlin, sweetheart.” And it was Hunith’s shoulders falling down and lips changing that made Merlin cry.

He’d done his best to be strong, when he told her. And he’d really prepared himself for absolutely anything this time. He’d prepared himself for Hunith to hate him, to call him an idiot and a mistake and to throw him out the house. He wouldn’t let himself be caught off guard like he had with Arthur. Merlin had prepared for anything.

“Darling.” His mother’s arms wrapped round him, pulled him against her and held him so tight he felt himself get smaller. “Merlin, Merlin darling.” She rocked him back and forth, like when he was a little boy with scraped knees. And she whispered his name, over and over, and she said it like she loved him and it made him cry even more. “Oh Merlin. Darling.”

She didn’t shush him; she never hushed him when he needed to cry. He was always allowed to spill out his grief until he was ready to calm down again. It felt like the time was stretching out over hours, but she didn’t falter in whispering to him or rocking him backwards and forwards.

Eventually, he’d settled down enough that he could breathe properly again and stop himself choking on his tears.

“I’m not angry at you Merlin, or disappointed or anything like that at all.” His mum promised, pressing a kiss on his forehead.

He sniffled, embarrassed at himself for the outburst. He knew that later, his mum would need to sit him down and be serious. She would ask him if he was going to keep the baby and he would say yes. She would ask him if he’d stay in school and he wouldn’t know. She would ask him if Arthur knew, and he wouldn’t know what to say.

But he was calmer, now. He had Hunith and Will to help him. He felt relief, real relief, and it felt like a paradise.

***

Gwaine looked terrified beyond all belief when Merlin told him. His eyes bugged out, his jaw swung open like it was held by a loose hinge and his neck fell forward, and he looked like a chicken. 

It actually worked well to perk up Merlin’s mood, and he left out a short laugh.

Gwaine’s eyes tracked down to Merlin’s stomach, and Merlin swore he gulped.

“For Fuck’s sake Gwaine.” Will snapped, glaring at Gwaine. “It’s not like you’re carrying it. Roll your tongue in.”

“Wow.”

“Thanks for the input, Freya.” Merlin replied, and he couldn’t help but look down. These were the only people he was telling now, he just needed them to get it. To accept him, to be ok with what was going to happen. Not to judge him.

“Wow.” Freya shook her head, Merlin could feel her hair tapping him. “Merlin!” Then she was hugging him, and he was pressed close to her. She pulled him back, and looked at him. “You’re all grown up!”

“I… I mean I think being an idiot kid is why I’m like this?”

“Don’t be stupid!” Freya gave him a slap on the shoulder. “You’re not an idiot. Or a kid. 16 is the age of consent.” She gave him a pat on the back. “And you’re wise beyond years. But whatever, that isn’t what I meant. I meant, you’re dealing with your lot.”

“Right.”

“No, seriously! You’re going to raise a child! That’s so bloody strong of you Merlin. Obviously we’re going to be here the whole way, but you’re doing something so, so wonderful.”

“Freya, Merlin hasn’t told you if he’s keeping it yet.” Will snapped back.

“Obviously, however, if you decided now is not the time to have a child we’ll one hundred percent support you too. It’s a very difficult decision either way, and we will never lose any respect-”

“Freya!”

“Yes Merlin?”

“I’m keeping it.” Merlin let out a huff, but he was smiling to himself. It was nice to know he’d have her blanket support for all of time to come. Merlin couldn’t help himself though, he really needed to know where he stood with everyone now. “Gwaine?”

“I’m… I’m… I’m going to be an uncle!” Gwaine lifted Merlin up, before dropping him down again and looking anxiously at Merlin’s stomach. “Oh, oh crap, is that, is that ok?”

“Yes Gwaine. As for the uncle thing-”

“Obviously I know I won’t be a blood Uncle. But I’ll be the cool Uncle! I can buy alcohol for the underage parties and they won’t have to go to bed early when I come round.” Gwaine looked chuffed, thrilled to pieces at the prospect of things Merlin would never let him do in years to come.

“Oh, there is one downside.” Freya leaned forward, voice a regretful sigh. “I’ll obviously be the God Mother, but Will and Gwaine are going to have to fight it out for the position of God Father.”

“Oh like Merlin will be able to step inside a Church again.” Will laughed. He had known the longest now, after Merlin himself. Merlin was so comfortable with Will now that he actually liked the jokes, craved the sense of normality that they brought into his life. 

“Will!” Freya sounded mortally offended, but Merlin was laughing to himself. “Mary was an unwed mother!”

“Mary was carrying the sun of God and was all virginial and holy, Merlin is not.”

“Thanks Will.” But Merlin’s deadpan voice was twinned with a smile.

***  
Merlin felt like he had rocks in his stomach when he went to sign out of school.

He had last year’s exam results, which would have been enough to get him into university and would get him into college in a few years now. He had his writing job that he could keep going, and he would still try and work at Gaius’ shop until it became too much for him.

He didn’t want everyone at school to know where he was going. That was what he was really afraid of. When his guidance teacher started kicking up a fuss, when he signed his name of the register and a few people walked past him with funny looks, that they’d know. They would know and they would judge him, bully him, hate him.

It wasn’t exactly that Merlin was ashamed… He was protective.

He’d built a plan. He knew what he was doing now, he needed to get ready and he didn’t want someone trying to spoil it from him.

It made him think of Arthur, and he felt pain, loss. He hated himself, after Arthur, he hated Arthur and the world and everything. Arthur, what Merlin had loved, who Merlin had loved with every part of him. Merlin hated that.

Leaving school, for the last time, he ended up smashing into someone. Outside the guidance office, and Merlin was close to crying even beforehand.

“Merlin?” Which was so fucking, wonderfully perfect. And all the cliché Merlin needed in his life, because when he looked up Merlin realized it was Arthur he had run in to. Merlin must have done something particularly cruel in his last life. “I… Merlin, Merlin!”

Arthur began to latch his hands around Merlin’s arms, anchoring him down for a few seconds. Merlin threw his eyes to the floor, he couldn’t stand to look up at Arthur.

He couldn’t stand to look at everything he’d lost.

“Get off me.” Merlin yanked his arms away, as if Arthur’s touch scolded him. It may as well have. 

He began to stomp off, relishing the feeling of the tiles, the echo beneath his footsteps. He would leave this school being strong; he would make himself be brave. He didn’t need Arthur.

“Merlin! Merlin, just, just wait a second!” Arthur was shouting, and his footsteps made louder sounds than Merlin’s could. He grabbed Merlin and spun him round, and it made Merlin want to spit in anger. “Where have you been? You’ve not been in school, are you coming back?”

Merlin had to look up now, had to look at Arthur. He didn’t look as good as Merlin thought he would, and Merlin couldn’t help but feel a stab of vicious victory at that. Arthur had gotten smaller in the last few weeks, shedding weight but not in a good way. His skin looked waxy and for the first time Merlin could think of, he had bags under his eyes.

He looked better than Merlin had, though. After Arthur had thrown him out, Merlin had looked like he would die. He thought he might.

“No. I’m not.” Merlin spat, and he tried to stalk off again but Arthur kept a hold of him. Merlin decided he would finish it here, then, give Arthur every little detail so he wouldn’t bother Merlin again, so Merlin wouldn’t have to think of him again. They would have complete closure.

Arthur’s brow furrowed, and his shoulders tensed.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m not coming back.” Merlin managed to wrench his arm free again, but this time he stood his ground. 

Arthur wouldn’t have made a grab for him this time, anyway, Merlin knew that. He could see Arthur trying to process all the information. He knew how hard Merlin had always worked at school, knew that Merlin wanted to go off to university, knew that Merlin wanted to get an English degree or History degree or something. He knew that Merlin had always worked hard to try and get himself out of their little town and wanted to do something that would excite him. Arthur wanted the same, although his marks weren’t as good as Merlin, and he wasn’t as interested in the education side of things as Merlin was.

“Are you, getting a tutor or something? Are you doing your courses online?” Arthur’s eyes were wide, sincere, and Merlin hated that. Hated that Arthur got to have this gentle side after what he’d done to Merlin.

“No, I’m leaving school altogether. Leaving education.”

“What?” Arthur’s voice was a snap, he sounded angry and it made Merlin panic. It made Merlin think about that night. “You can’t just leave!”

“I just did.”

 

“But, you, you want to go to university! You’ve got to keep up the classes you’ve applied with or your offer’s void!”

“Are you stupid?” Merlin hissed, and he pulled himself up to meet Arthur’s gaze. “How the hell would I still be going to university, Arthur?” Merlin watched as his ex-boyfriend (Jesus, Arthur was his ex.) stepped back, as if Merlin had slapped him.

It was silent, then, between them, and Arthur looked like something had stabbed him in the stomach.

“Merlin, you can’t.” A pause. Arthur breathing, Merlin feeling his blood boil. “I mean, I don’t, what are you going to do?”

“Leave school. Like I just did.”

“You can’t just leave school and not go to university!”

“Well it’s not like I can bring a baby into classes.” Merlin’s voice was venom, and Arthur went even paler. “It’s not like university is an option anymore.” Merlin wasn’t resentful of the fact he’d need to take care of the baby, he didn’t blame the baby. He didn’t even really blame himself or Arthur. But he hated, hated, hated Arthur’s little oblivion. And he was jealous that Arthur would still get his life.

“Merlin, Merlin I.” Arthur’s voice sounded more like he was clasping air than anything else. “We can come up with a plan.” Arthur rearranged his stance, made himself look like a soldier, strong shoulders and squared posture.

“’We can come up with a plan!’” Merlin shrieked, false, cruel, sarcastic laughter that didn’t suit him but he did it anyway. “What a turn around, it’s ‘we’ now!”

“Merlin, wait a se-”

“‘We’ as in you and me? Not me and Gwaine? Me and Will? The real fathers of my baby?” Merlin shoved Arthur in the chest, made him stumble back. Merlin was on the war path and he didn’t want to retreat. “There is no ‘we’ anymore! You kicked me out, you told me you… You acted like you hated me! Treated me like I was, something wrong! You… You said I must have cheated on you! I don’t want you involved in this, not even a little bit. I don’t need you.”

Merlin took off, and this time he didn’t bother look back for Arthur’s reaction.

***

“Yes, I’m fine Mum.” He huffed down the phone.

“I just worry about you, dear. Especially now you’re home alone and-”

“I could invite Gwaine round but then you would probably need to fear for the china wear.” Merlin laughed. He missed Will, at least a little. His friend was on a holiday this week and Merlin couldn’t help but miss the constant (really constant, infinite) chirping of Will’s voice in his ear. Will had been acting like a body guard, a husband, a granddad, he’d been every little role Merlin could imagine in his life. It was driving him mad, no matter how grateful he was.

“Well I’m never going to be worried enough to trust you and Gwaine alone together in a house.” 

“That probably makes sense, mum.”

“That’s good of you to admit.” Hunith laughed, and Merlin heard a door knock through the phone. “Ok, well that’s Mark for me here now.”

“I’m holding back a shudder.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, ok Merlin?” She waited for his agreement before she whispered: “Good night, darling.”

“Night mum.”

Merlin dropped the phone down and stared up at the ceiling. It was the first time he had been by entirely by himself for weeks. He was always being shadowed by Will, or Gwaine, or Freya, or Gaius, or his mum. 

Never anyone else.

Merlin didn’t really want to be around people who didn’t know about it. Didn’t know about him, didn’t know about the baby. He felt like there was something stifling everything, this awkwardness he could never avoid. 

There were friends at school he hadn’t told, and it made him feel awkward. Merlin had built quite a strong friendship with Lance and Gwen over the years, and he would expect them to tell him if they were pregnant. It was just that, since they’d become a ‘power couple’ Merlin felt like he was a bother to him. He wasn’t sure why, they certainly weren’t cruel to him. But every time they talked it felt like there was a chasm between them, or that they were being watched. They both seemed to have grown up into ‘mature’ adults and Merlin didn’t know how to relate to them now.

It was easier to keep the baby a secret, among the people he trusted most. Just for now, until the news wasn’t new to him anymore.

His hand trailed over his stomach. There was something alive in there, in him. He was keeping something alive, that would be a baby one day. He wanted it to be a baby.

He’d spoken about the possibility of an abortion with his mum. She hadn’t judged him, and he hadn’t been upset she brought it up. Merlin didn’t look down on anyone who wanted to get rid of their pregnancy, he didn’t condemn anyone who didn’t see a child as the right option for them at the time. It was just that he wanted to keep his. He wanted to have a baby. He didn’t *mind* putting his initial life plan into a different form of action. He actually found himself looking forward to what was going to happen.

He was still allowed to be afraid.

His hand cupped his stomach. Still flat. He wondered when he’d start to show. He was nervous about the other… developments he’d be going through. Namely breasts. He was already dealing with morning sickness, but soon he’d have a sore back, large ankles, a bigger body to heft around. He was feeling sick about it. Morning sickness! That was another.

Ignoring the scary future, he continued to run a hand down his stomach, the other over his legs. He hadn’t been alone in so, so long. He needed a release, to get off, and he wanted to make it last.

The door rang, and Merlin almost jumped out of his skin.

Glad he hadn’t undressed, Merlin ran down the stairs. 

He opened the door, but just as he did he considered. It could be a murderer on the other side of the door. Or a sales person who wouldn’t say no. Or the neighbour come round for a chat. 

Unfortunately, the door was open wide enough by now that the person could come in.

Arthur crashed his way through the door, probably guessing that Merlin would slam it closed on him the second he could. Merlin didn’t care how late at night it was, he was angry Arthur would just slam in and visit him.

“Get out of my house.” Merlin snapped, even though he knew Arthur wouldn’t.

“Merlin, please. Please, I need to talk to you.”

“No, you had the chance to talk to me.”

“I’ve been calling you and coming here and I even wrote you that letter and-”

“I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Please, Merlin I know I don’t deserve you listening to me but I… I have to talk to you. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

Merlin froze bones ice and blood snowflakes. He didn’t believe he’d heard that. He had never, ever heard Arthur apologise before. Not in the years he’d known him and not in the months they’d dated.

Arthur must have noticed Merlin stop, because he took the moment of weakness and steam rolled ahead:

“Merlin, I have no fucking excuse- at all- for what I did to you. How I reacted. I didn’t even believe what I was doing as I did it but-”

“Then why did you do it?” Merlin whispered. In theory, he was hearing all the things he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear Arthur saying he was sorry, part of him really wanted to forgive Arthur, to have him back (not that Arthur definitely wanted back). But, Merlin wanted something more. He wanted not to need this, not to have Arthur having to apologise. He wanted Arthur to have loved him, trusted him, enough in the first place.

Arthur’s eyes creased, he dropped his jaw and he slumped against the wall. 

“I don’t know.” Arthur shook his head. His jacket was splattered with rain, hair plastered to his face and he was shivering. “It was just like, like some cautionary tale. I didn’t understand, it was too much to take in and I couldn’t deal with it. I felt like, my life was gone.”

“You felt like I’d taken it.” Merlin shot out. It went silent again, and Merlin felt petty, vengeful. He wondered if he should have kept his mouth shut. “Like I’d stolen your future from you.”

Arthur whispered his reply, pained, a confession:

“Yes.”

“Do you think I didn’t feel the same?”

And it was silent again.

***

Later, when Merlin had gotten Arthur into fresh pyjamas, when Arthur was sat in the living room with a hot chocolate and Merlin had calmed himself down, they started to talk again.

“If you’re just. If you’re only here because you want to raise this child as a couple, if you only want me again because you think I need it, then leave.”

“I know you can do this alone.” Arthur replied. “I understand that. And I know you can be the best, strongest parent any baby could ask for. But I want to be there; too, however you’ll let me.”

It was everything Merlin wanted to hear, really. But it didn’t do enough for him. His heart was hurting and he’d already locked Arthur out. He’d already designed a future for himself and his child without Arthur in it.

And Merlin didn’t know if he could even trust Arthur, now. This was too much of a 180, it had only been a few days and Arthur was acting like an entirely new person.

“I… I can’t.” Merlin shook his head. His thoughts were scattered and he didn’t know how to explain. His mouth felt like it was filled with chalk. He saw Arthur shuddering, and maybe he knew that Merlin could lock him out. “I can’t tell you not to get involved, because then I’m not letting the baby have one of their dad’s. And I can’t let you back in because you *hurt* me and you’re a flight risk and you don’t even know what you’re going to do!”

“I’ve been trying to make a plan.” Arthur almost sounded defensive. “I have been making a plan. I didn’t know what you were doing, but I have been trying.” Arthur stood up then, and he crossed the boundary between them and crouched where Merlin was sitting. “I was speaking to the guidance counsellor, and I emailed my university, they’re fine with me pushing my entry back a year. You could probably do the same! And I have money, enough so we won’t be strapped for cash when we have to buy stuff. And we could get a place for ourselves, but near your mum so-”

“Arthur.” Merlin interrupted, shaking his head, voice sad. “I appreciate you thinking this. I do, please don’t get me wrong. And I’m not trying to put you off or turn you away. But, these aren’t long term plans. The baby won’t be able to take care of itself after a year. You and me can’t go off to university, and have fresher’s week and get degrees and go off and travel. We can’t have that now. And have you even told Uther?” Merlin waited for Arthur to look down, shake his head, like he knew he would. “How on earth do you think he’ll just accept you staying stationary for a year, emptying your trust fund in a house with me? You and I don’t know how to take care of a house, either.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I want you to have reacted right in the first place. I want to feel like you can handle this I want to feel secure with you, again. I want you to know what you want to do.”

“I want to take care of you and the baby.”

“I don’t think you do.” Merlin could feel his voice crack. “I think… I think you feel like you *have* to do the ‘right’ thing by taking care of me and the baby. I think you’re only staying because it’s your duty, and you feel bound to it. And in a few months, maybe years, but I know that soon enough you’ll resent us for taking away your life.”

Merlin was shaking. He just wanted what Arthur had described. He’d dreamed about it, even before he got pregnant. He’d loved the idea of living in a home with Arthur and being in a partnership. He’d looked forward to it, but only if it happened organically. Arthur forcing himself into a synthetic family, that was not something Merlin wanted.

“I couldn’t resent you.”

“You already do. Did. Whatever, you already have. And you would again unless you actually wanted this.”

“I do-”

“Just, leave it. Leave yourself for a few weeks. So you can make a decision. Decide if you want to stay here, with me, because that will be forever. You can’t move away to uni after that, can’t have another boyfriend or girlfriend. If you stay here, with me, I’m going to take it as you’re staying forever.” They were too young; it was too big a commitment.

Arthur even paled. Merlin continued:

“Or go to school and meet up with your friends. Go home and do your homework. Because you can have that, I’m not wanting to take that from you. You can have normality, you don’t have to be an unwed, teenage father. You can go to university and get drunk and meet people. And you can have the life you want.”

Arthur looked up, and Merlin almost thought he looked hopeful. That sealed it, really.

But then Arthur shook his head. Merlin wished Arthur would just be all good or all bad so Merlin could know what he wanted.

“I don’t want a life without you in it.”

“I’m a package deal now.”

“I don’t want a life without you in it.” Arthur repeated, he was on his knees now, looking up at Merlin.

“I can’t be anything else. I can’t be just your friend. I can’t let you be here part time. And I don’t want you wasting away here in a crap job you can’t stand, either.”

“So, you want me to leave?”

“I would rather you weren’t here then you were here as some depressed, angry version of yourself.” Merlin wound his hands together, fingers laced tight.

Arthur lent forward then, and he pressed a kiss to the lock of Merlin’s wrists. Merlin closed his eyes, liking it.

“I know you don’t believe in me right now.” Arthur sounded like he was in a lot of pain. Merlin had always made it clear that he believed in Arthur, always worked to try and build up his self-esteem. “I know you think I’m gagging to leave this, you. But I’m going to earn you, earn our baby, and earn a chance to be in your life. I promise. I’m going to work at this, harder than I’ve ever worked at anything. And I’ll be someone worthy of being a father.”

Despite himself, despite everything, Merlin hoped Arthur was right.

***

Will didn’t even pretend to appreciate Arthur’s efforts.

Arthur would drop by Merlin’s every morning, dropping off his favourite drink, he’d text him throughout the day of school, he’d come by again in the afternoon with a film or a video game and a snack, and then call again at night.

Merlin didn’t appreciate it at first, either. Not over the first few weeks. But eventually, he started drinking the ridiculously expensive café drink, replying Arthur’s texts, sitting with him though a film or a game and answering his calls at night. He started relating back to Arthur, forming a reconnection when he thought it could be lost. He let himself fall into the pattern, forcing himself to hold back in some way (just in case) but loved every moment anyway.

And Will was possibly, probably, right. Maybe nothing Arthur could ever do would make up for what he’d done. But, Merlin didn’t mind him trying. Merlin liked whatever they were doing, whatever they were. He liked having a little bit of Arthur back with him again.

Slowly, thawing like a glacier, Merlin started letting Arthur in. Slowly. Slowly.

 

***

“I just don’t see why he’s here.” Will pouted, stuffing more food into his mouth. Merlin rolled his eyes, tired of explaining the situation over, and over, and over to Will. Arthur was at the town fair, and Will was not happy about it.

Ealdor held a small fair every summer, and Merlin’s mum always helped run a stall with Gaius and Merlin always had to help. Will usually tagged along, as the people who helped got free cakes and that was all Will really needed in his life.

Arthur was just here because Merlin wanted him to. They’d met up often since they’d talked, but usually it was somewhere private, just the two of them, and it was centred around what they’d do when the baby came. Merlin wanted to have something a little more normal now.

Ease into some kind of life.

“I mean, it’s far more imposing if there’s three of us. Three teenagers who are helping out looks suspicious, you know? Mrs Garson might not be as generous with the cakes, if they’re spread over three of us.”

“Well. Arthur’s been helping out with the kids on the bouncy castle by going on with them- so I don’t think anyone’s going to peg him for volunteer of the month.” Merlin laughed, and he slapped Will on the back. “So I think your claim to the pastries is safe.”

“Hmmph.”

Rolling his eyes, Merlin heaved himself up to walk over to Arthur. He wasn’t exactly showing, yet, although it was clear he was putting a little bit of weight on, and he was only wearing overly large T-shirts and hoodies now.

He was nervous about when it would be obvious. When the old women who had coo’ed over him as a child would look at him in disgust, gossip about him over cups of tea. When people would condemn Hunith as a bad mother, and caw that ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ And he was still worried about Arthur. Always.

Merlin couldn’t help it. Arthur had been so supportive, he’d been a model partner but in some ways that made Merlin more afraid. Afraid that he wouldn’t be able to cope if Arthur left. Afraid Arthur wouldn’t be able to keep up with all he was doing. They hadn’t touched, at least not in a romantic sense. They were caught between a friendship and a romance, lingering on the fringes of both.

“You alright?” Merlin almost jumped out of his skin when Arthur landed beside him. Arthur was red, hair sticking to his scalp with sweat. Merlin should find it disgusting, but he just saw it as ridiculously endearing. “You look like you’re struggling with something.”

“Just hoping you don’t pop that castle.”

“Ha! Ouch. How cruel you’ve gotten.” But Arthur was smiling, and he searched his shoes up from the floor so he could walk alongside Merlin.

They walked through the bustle of people, sun glaring, and they smiled at each other. They walked themselves over to a bench and parked down. They had a good view of the fair, and they could both rush over to their posts if need be.

“I like this.” Arthur said, smiling. His hand moved and it brushed against Merlin’s. “The whole small town thing is sweet. You’d never get this where I am.”

“I’m sure the staff like to arrange little events for themselves.”

“Shut it.” Arthur laughed, and nudged Merlin. “I mean it. I thought today might be a little, awkward. Like I wouldn’t fit in, or something. Everyone seems nice. Welcoming.”

Merlin wondered how much it took for Arthur to say that.

“They’re nice enough. Days like this tend to pull the best out of people. About halfway through autumn there’s nothing to do and they like to sit round and gossip.” Arthur laughed, not taking the danger Merlin was discussing seriously. “Arthur, this is the most terrifying thing you can imagine! Divorces rise, people start diets, the crops fail, famine rules over and-”

“Are you forgetting high school?”

“High school squabbles have *nothing* on these small town folks.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Arthur was smiling, taking in the social kaleidoscope of the town fair. Merlin loved how happy and relaxed Arthur looked.

It was too easy, then. Too easy to picture him and Arthur and a small child running around them. Sunbathed future that smelt of fresh flowers and baking cakes.

“I think I should just relinquish claim to all baked goods.” Arthur sighed. “Maybe then Will would stop glaring at me like I’d committed a murder.”

“Probably not.”

“He wasn’t a fan of me before; he certainly doesn’t like me after how I acted before.” The mention of what had happened before made them both quiet, thoughtful. Merlin was able to trust Arthur a lot more now, after seeing that he was ready to make some form of commitment to their life. He could make a compromise. Arthur was going to defer his entry for a year, then make a decision.

He had tried to encourage Merlin to do the same, even hinted that Merlin could go off and Arthur could stay. 

“Oh my God Will is actually trying to beckon me over. There has been two customers all day and he wants me to go over and help him with the stall.” Merlin looked at the texts Will had sent, and laughed.

“I have an idea.” Arthur made his eyebrows wiggle, then he grabbed hold of Merlin’s hand and took off at a run. It made Merlin let out a laugh, and he tried not to stumble on his feet like a baby giraffe. He heard his phone go berserk, presumably from Will, and ignored it.

He and Arthur traipsed over the warm grass, down into a small woods and along a well-worn, dirt path. The sun struggled to filter through the fingertips of trees and it occasionally flashed through to splatter Merlin and Arthur gold.

“Where are we going?” Merlin laughed, and they rounded their run off. Arthur looked back at him, huge smile plastered to his face. He looked light, healthy. Happy.

“I hoped you’d know, seeing as this is where you live.”

“Not in the woods. I’m not a squirrel, or one of the merry men.”

“Ha bloody ha.” 

Simultaneously, the two dropped down into the packed earth. Arthur lay onto his back and Merlin stayed hunched on his knees, fingers drawing patterns into the pine needles on the floor. They sat, in the comfortable silence they’d developed, and relaxed.

Merlin looked down at Arthur, and he couldn’t help himself, he thought of how beautiful Arthur was. The sun matched Arthur’s hair, and pulled shades of white and copper from it. His eyes were closed, and his lashes were pale in the sun. His skin was going gold from the weeks of summer. He was gorgeous.

Merlin wondered if their child would look like Arthur. With soft, golden hair and easy to tan skin. Whether they’d come alive outside and throw themselves head first into sports like Arthur did. It gave Merlin a pang in his chest.

“What are you thinking about?” Arthur leaned up onto one arm as he spoke.

“The amount of bugs you’re about to have living on you.” Merlin’s answer was soft, like his smile was. He rolled onto his stomach, supported by his arms, so his head was just a little under Arthur’s.

“Liar.” He was teasing, softly.

Merlin smiled, let out a huff of a laugh, and flopped onto his back, with his head on Arthur’s thigh. It was the closest they had been in months. It was tentative, soft, but it felt like the natural progression of things, comfortable.

Merlin looked up at Arthur, and he saw Arthur smiling down at him.

Slowly, as if he was afraid of breaking a spell, Arthur moved himself. He sat up, one hand bracing him to the ground and the other lingering in the air. His hand drifted, grazed against Merlin’s collar bone before it cupped the tiny bump of Merlin’s stomach.

Merlin’s breath caught, but he didn’t make any moves to get Arthur to let go.

Arthur began to move his hand, lightly, over Merlin’s stomach. He stretched his fingers out, hand so big it almost stretched over the span of Merlin’s ribcage. Merlin felt the material of his T-shirt start to rise up.

“Can, can I?” Arthur’s eyes tracked the movement of Merlin’s top. Merlin nodded, feeling nervous. His abdomen was slightly extended now, definitely noticeably larger than before. Arthur hadn’t seen him without his shirt on in months, and Merlin was nervous. And he didn’t know what Arthur would want, if he’d have a quick look and feel uncomfortable or…

Arthur peeled Merlin’s top up, and his hand went back to rubbing circles on his tummy again. It went on for long enough for Merlin to feel himself melting into it, closing his eyes and stretching out.

“Beautiful.” He heard Arthur whisper. Merlin could feel himself blush, and almost curled away. But then Arthur bent down and pressed his lips to Merlin’s bump. “Beautiful.” And he whispered it into Merlin’s skin.

Merlin didn’t know if Arthur was talking about Merlin or the baby, but he thought it could be both.

“Arthur.” Merlin closed his eyes, and stretched his neck back. He felt Arthur move, felt Arthur’s hands move up his body, until he clasped their hands together. Merlin looked up, eyes meeting Arthur’s and he lost himself again.

Arthur leaned his head down, and Merlin drew his up, until they were less than a breath away from each other. Birds were singing in the background, leaves rustling and the wind was singing.

And they kissed.

***

It was the first ultrasound Arthur had come to. The first one Merlin had invited him to. It was Merlin’s second appointment. And it was just him and Arthur this time. Arthur was sat beside Merlin on the bed, his hands caught as a cage around one of Merlin’s.

Hunith was waiting outside, and Uther was in a meeting but he’d made it clear to Arthur to call him as soon as he knew what was going on.

The technician was alright, better than the first one. The first bitter old woman had made a negative comment about young parents, and Hunith had made such a fuss about it that she’d lost her job. Merlin would never admit it, but he was grateful for it.

This technician was fine, she didn’t really make any comments but Merlin didn’t find himself minding. He and Arthur were wound up so tightly they couldn’t muster any small talk, anyway.

“This’ll be a little cold.” The woman stated, before squeezing the jelly onto Merlin’s stomach. He wondered why she couldn’t warm it up in her hands, first, like Arthur had when they’d gotten themselves into this situation.

Merlin cringed, turning himself *away* from that particular line of thinking. He figured getting an erection during the technician’s exam would be a memory too horrific to cope with, particularly knowing that Arthur would never let him forget it.

She took the camera device thing (Merlin wasn’t a Doctor) and rubbed it over his abdomen. He and Arthur watched, breaths ragged, as the static of the screen bled out into something else.

“There is your baby.” The woman said, and her voice did soften a little at that. 

Merlin and Arthur looked up, and had matching expressions of surprise. Merlin couldn’t make it all out, not exactly, but he could see a dark, grey blur. It moved, and Merlin almost jumped.

Arthur was squeezing Merlin’s hand so tightly he feared for the integrity of his fingers, but he was in too much wonder of the image on the screen to do anything but look at it.

The room was filled with the heavy whoosh of Merlin’s heartbeat, but in between each of those heavy thuds, a soft tap bumped too. The baby, the baby’s heartbeat, stammering on.

“Is, uh, is everything alright?” Arthur sounded choked up, like he was on the brink of tears. “With Merlin and the baby. Is everything alright?”

“Everything looks perfect.” The woman managed to thaw herself to give them both a smile. “Merlin, you look to be in fine health and the baby’s development is perfect.”

Arthur let out a laugh, a whoop, and he clasped Merlin’s hand even tighter, pressing a kiss to the weave of their fingers. Merlin smiled, and could feel tears tracking down the sides of his face. He moved a hand to clear them, but he saw Arthur noticing he’d cried and knew he’d be teased mercilessly for it later.

Not now, though. For now they were in perfect sync, the two of them grateful for their moment of perfect.

***

That night, they ended up alone at Arthur’s house. Seeing as Merlin was already pregnant, it was kind of assumed there wasn’t any other trouble they could get themselves in to.

Merlin was sat on Arthur’s bed, for the first time since the last time. It looked mostly the same, although Arthur had cleaned up this time in preparation for Merlin coming. The sap.

Arthur came through the door, with a tray of snacks balanced in his hands. It made Merlin laugh, but before he had a chance to comment about butler’s and poor service Arthur managed to shove a cracker in Merlin’s mouth.

Merlin rolled his eyes, but he ate the food happily enough as Arthur nattered on about his day. Merlin didn’t feel too jealous about hearing about school, more nostalgic than anything else.

“-so then Mr Reedian ended up being fired, because apparently he’d been a massive pervert the whole time!”

“Gross.” Merlin shuddered at the thought of the teacher trying to add students on facebook, or through the locker room walls.

“I know, right.” Arthur shook his head. 

Merlin wasn’t sure how it happened, but the next moment they were wrapped in each other, arms holding them together like a tapestry and legs tangled like loose thread. Their mouths were pressed together and Merlin could feel himself getting hard, but even better he could feel Arthur getting hard against him.

“Missed this, baby.” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s neck, hands scrabbling to take off both of their belts at once. “Missed having you hot and wet and wanting against me.”

“Arthur.” Merlin’s voice was a whine. Needy like he was for Arthur.

“It’s ok, darling, I’m going to take care of you.” Arthur worked to take them both to a state of nakedness. Mysteriously, Merlin ended up naked first, but he didn’t care as long as Arthur joined him soon.

Arthur started trailing kisses down Merlin’s stomach, hands splaying over the peak, until he was layering kisses over Merlin’s cock.

Merlin forgot to feel paranoid, nervous at Arthur finding him unattractive. Arthur was still fit and gorgeous and toned. Arthur’s hands made him feel beautiful, his lips made him feel incredible.

“So fucking sexy.” Arthur whispered, tongue starting to work itself on Merlin’s length.

“Wait, wait, Arthur.” Merlin writhed, pulling himself away. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna go off so fast.” The confession made him nervous, bright red. “You should, you should fuck me.”

Arthur looked up at him, with a smirk on his face as his hands started playing with Merlin’s balls.

“I could always…” His mouth started kissing up and down Merlin’s dick, before he’d take it down to the root. “I could always do both.”

***

“Merlin, you know you don’t have to let him back in unless you want to.” Freya stated, serious and supportive as always. Her solemnness was somewhat diminished by the milk moustache she had, but Merlin decided not to tell her. It made him laugh, in a supportive way, of course.

“I know, Frey.”

“Because, you can raise a child on your own, as a single parent. And we’ll all be here for you and cherish you and the baby.”

“I know, Frey.”

“And you shouldn’t have to feel as if you *have* to rely on Arthur. Or that you couldn’t cope alone, because we would never leave you alone.”

“Frey!” Merlin laughed. “I know. I know, alright, I know.”

“Ok.” She was smiling. “I’m not trying to ruin anything for you. And I’m not trying to say that Arthur won’t be a good parent, or that he won’t support you. I just don’t want you to feel pressured into anything.”

“I was worried I was doing that to him.”

“Oh please!” Freya’s eyebrows started a terrifying dance. “You should see the way he looks at you, like every bloody second in your presence is an honour. A gift bestowed by God.”

“Shut up!”

“No, really. I’ve never seen that look in real life. It’s unbelievable, honestly it’s so adorable and embarrassing.”

Merlin shook his head, but he was smiling.

“He’s happy, Merlin.” She caught his hand on the table top, and gave it a squeeze. “Really happy.”

He hoped she was right. He really, really did.

***

Arthur was taking way too long to get their drinks. Merlin had been sat outside the café for ages, fingers drumming on the wood table.

He hated being sat out by himself. Maybe he was paranoid, but he felt like an attraction in a freak show. He was heavily pregnant now, and he felt like everyone walking past was gawking at him. He felt awful, huge and heavy and unattractive.

And he was getting more and more irritable as he got more and more pregnant. And Arthur was taking too long to get their drinks.

Merlin hefted himself up, cringing at the thought of how he must look, and started lumbering his way inside the café. He wedged himself through the door, still feeling like a blimp, and scanned the café for a sight of Arthur.

He saw Arthur, head thrown back in a laugh as he talked to someone. A girl. A girl who had golden hair like Arthur did and a sculpted, non-pregnant body like Arthur did. 

Merlin couldn’t help himself, he took off. It didn’t matter to him that the whole *thing* between Arthur and the girl was probably nothing. That Arthur had spent the last few months dedicating all his time to helping Merlin. That Arthur wouldn’t do anything to hurt Merlin, not like that.

Merlin took off, waddling and hating himself at every step. Feeling like he was a monstrosity, viciously insecure like he’d never been before. He felt tears staring to burn down his face and vengefully wiped at them. He hated himself for being such a baby, for making himself so angry over nothing. For being in the situation he was in.

“Merlin!” Arthur was shouting behind him, probably taking off at a run. Merlin wondered if Arthur had seen him leave, or if he’d finally gotten to their table and noticed it empty. He wondered if Arthur had just needed to follow the mocking glares of strangers or the massive gap in the crowd Merlin left behind. “Merlin!”

Arthur finally caught him, jumping in front of Merlin and looking nervous. 

“What’s wrong? Did your water break?”

“Am I looking that big?” Merlin spat, trying to shirk Arthur off.

“What? No!” Merlin could see the cogs in Arthur’s head whirring and catching, trying to find the right string of words to make a solution. “I was just trying to guess why you’d charge off like that.”

“I’m surprised you even noticed.”

“What does that mean?”

“You were having such a nice chat with whoever that girl was, and I didn’t think you’d have a need for me for a while.”

Arthur stepped back, looking horrified.

“Merlin! I wasn’t doing anything! We were just talking.”

“Whatever.” Merlin started walking off again, angry and embarrassed but more at himself than anyone else. “Just leave me alone.”

“Merlin. Don’t do this, come on.” Arthur was trying to clasp on to Merlin but Merlin was walking too fast and wriggling too much. “Merlin, please, you know I wasn’t doing anything.”

“I said I don’t fucking care-”

“There’s nothing to care about!” Arthur shouted, and Merlin cringed. They would be drawing more attention now. More, and more, and more people staring at Merlin like he was a freak. “She’s a girl from my science class and we were talking.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Merlin!” Arthur was pulling at his hair, anger incredulous and Merlin couldn’t even really blame him, he understood that he was being unreasonable. “I was just talking to someone!”

“Because you still *get* to just talk! You can go to a coffee shop and be normal and interact with people and flirt! You get to be normal!”

“Merlin! It’s not my fault that… you’re the one whose pregnant.”

“Actually, it is! It’s exactly your fault.” Merlin yelped. It wasn’t even what Merlin thought, really.

“Oh please Merlin, you wanted to as well.” Arthur shot out. They were winding themselves up to such an awful degree and Merlin didn’t even know why he was doing it.

“Just fucking *leave* it Arthur. I already said it doesn’t matter!”

“No, it clearly does. You’re freaking out for no good reason-”

“I look like a pumpkin, I think that’s a good reason!”

“Merlin.” Arthur made his voice a hush, a lull. Merlin didn’t know how he’d done it because Arthur still must be spitting tacks. “You’re fucking gorgeous. And you’re incredible. And honestly, I have absolutely no romantic interest in anyone else on the planet. In fact, the only other person that I really, really ove and care about, the only other person I really want to protect-” Arthur’s hand tapped Merlin’s tummy. “- is growing inside you.”

Merlin felt his petty little bout of anger deflate inside him, and he lent forward until his head was braced on Arthur’s shoulder, and Arthur’s hands wove round Merlin’s waist.

***

“Alright, Merlin, that’s six minutes apart. I’m absolutely taking you in now.” Hunith declared, voice trilling like the alarm of her watch.

Merlin was doing his best not to howl with the pain, squeezing his lips together but still shaking his head. His stomach felt like the skin was being torn apart, hot pain jagged down his body.

“Merlin, I know you want to wait for Arthur-”

“Please Mum.”

“I’m sorry; he’ll have to meet us at the hospital.” She said, no nonsense voice as she shook her head.

Merlin felt too tired to oppose, still a little breathless at the pain of his contractions. It was arse o’clock in the morning, and he felt horrified at the knowledge he’d never have one good night of sleep again.

“Come on, Merlin.” His mum said, manoeuvring him into the car with gentleness. Then cancelled that kindness out from the quick and reckless way she started driving.

Merlin braced himself into the seat, in too much pain to care.

He zoned in and out, but soon he was being rushed through the hospital doors. Doctors started swarming him, sounding like they spoke a foreign language in medical terms.

He felt pressure at his knees, and dropped into the wheel chair behind him.

“I want Arthur.” He whispered. Then he let out a shout, the pain of his contraction forcing him to bend over. 

“I know, sweet heart.” He felt the cool of his mum’s hand on the back of his neck, and it worked to calm him, even a little.

He felt like he fell asleep, although he knew he was really awake. He felt disconnected, separate, foreign to consciousness.

He was being examined, and he heard noises again.

He heard some detached voice say ‘breach,’ heard the phrase ‘C-section,’ and heard his mother sobbing. 

The doctor was trying to explain something to him, trying to get Merlin’s permission or understanding or *something* but Merlin felt too out of it to be of any use.

Another contraction, splitting his sides apart. He felt his consciousness fall to pieces, until he was out again. He could tell he’d whispered ‘Arthur’ over and over again, even in his sleep.

***

Merlin woke up, head sore and groggy. He felt like he was hung over.

He blinked, seeing himself surrounded by green and blue figures in a white room. His eyes were heavy, but he didn’t want to close them in case he went to sleep and didn’t wake up.

He wondered if he’d been abducted by aliens. Then, he heard a sharp cry, a scream, and his thoughts came thundering back.

“Hi darling.” Arthur, Arthur was there and it made Merlin feel happy and relaxed. He had a small, wriggling bundle in his arms in a pink blanket, and Merlin could swear he saw tears. “Merlin, it’s our baby. We’ve got a little girl.”

Merlin nodded, transfixed at the blanket. He saw the tiny peak of a pink head.

“Do you want to hold her?” Merlin nodded, arms too heavy to lift. Arthur propped the baby in his arms, keeping hold of him because Merlin’s arms felt too loose to do so.

“Hello.” Merlin whispered, trying to cradle the baby in his arms. “Hi there, sweet heart. You’re so little.”

“She’s tiny. She’s got such little hands…” Arthur whispered, head bent down beside Merlin’s. “And she’s perfect.”

Merlin nodded, and he felt his own tears leaking down his cheeks. Arthur raised his hands, and started clearing away the tears on his boyfriend’s cheeks.

Arthur’s hand was shaking, and he hooked it under Merlin’s chin, pulling him up until their lips were close. And Arthur kissed him, when Merlin was covered in sweat and pale and Arthur was caught looking waxy under the lights, with bags under his eyes. They kissed even though their baby was starting to cry between them and the hospital staff were hopping about and the clinical sounds of a hospital squeaked around them.

Arthur whispered:

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for any and all support!!
> 
> Really hope the fic's alright?? I really loved writing it


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